Trying to express it with the words I can't comprehend is like being without the knowledge to use my legs to identify through undestanding. Which in its reality would make me unlike the likely.  Sometimes I think we let it pass and sometimes its cause we can't grasp it then soon forget and let the will to try just float away. 


To be honest.....I'm not satisfied.



e. alger.

Im feeling extremely distracted by myself. I can't seem to focus on things. I want to figure out why. I've got to put an answer to it cause, I'm stuck in the program. I've seriously gotta get out of the program man. Im happy to be alive. 

I feel like my quest to find her (me)  is going smooth like today. Tomorrow only gives it oppurtunity to be many things. Heres to hoping its not bad. You know,  I like who I am. I love the things I can create with just the tiniest thought. I want to feel connected to my own kind. The weird bunch. I want to breathe with those who breathe just like I do. I bet those people know who they are. Confusing looks of wonder...


Dance party music? CHECK!
Party mix chips?  CHECK!


E. Alger.

 I find my self longing for her and her mind. I think about her so much that I think my brain is going to fall out or deflate. Its inside are just going to disappear and my natural mind will grow over it.  I want to find it, the thing that keeps me so connected to her. In what way is it that she just stopped talking to me and just stopped wanting to get to know me. I need a healing and love is the only thing that heals. She might be terrified of me..and that I might make her feel good. Why be afriad of feeling good. I want to give it all to her. If we could just start over. If we could just find some kind of common ground. If I could just get another chance. 

IF.

 I never thought I was any trouble. I guess I never see myself like that. I've come across some pointlessly mean people. For no reason at all being ignorant. I honestly like the point and ideas I create. I know people love me but sometimes I feel so rejected that I become so mean to myself. I abuse myself. I am helpless yet the co-conspirator. I am the one beating myself up and over  nothing. I cant logially seperate what is real or what it is I am over exaggerating.  She led me on.

We grow like plants and trees...we break just as easy.
We are as fragile as we lead to ourselfs to be.
I think my body is going to be broken for a long time.
I'm constantly trying to fix my broken limbs. Fix one then 
another falls off.  They told me not to worry and that what was
 happening to my body was normal.
cause, one day I woke up to find that my mind
had seeped out of my head while I was sleeping.
They quickly implanted a device which could be controlled
by a remote control. The day I became a robot was then.
I couldnt find the power to look within
but could only see through a very small space where my
 eyes used to work on their own. I am powered by someone
who defines my fate through his own selfish actions.
One day i was programmed to capture as many
sentences as I could without a reminder or
an example to continue. When  I didn't commend,
I was condemmed. For every peice of me they confront with
a conforming confermation they get a commision.

Im not my own anymore. I'm finding her again.

Nothing is as easy as it seems..in our human minds and with our human powers we have just about ever right to make things difficult for ourself..and for others. I met a girl from ohio who said all she really wanted in a girl was for her to be simple and for things to be easy..yet she never seemed to be simple nor ever easy. The ideas people have for their lives and for the idea or desire of simplicity isnt always logical. not to everyone. Not even to myself in some situations and according to certain people.
I've always felt like I was a nice honest person..caring loving..and beautiful..on the inside at least.. I often wonder what it is about myself thats hard to love. I wonder if its because I'm easy to love or if its because I can't be loved? 

My friend michelle was very upset before I moved. a couple of months prior to the move..I set her up with a guy..they hit it off..Then one day he just stopped liking her. He told me it was because she wouldn't open up to him. So she got really depressed. Everyday She would come to my house..and I would do everything in my power to make her happy. I would dance around silly to make her laugh. She would laugh a little  but then it would only turn into a cry. I tried so hard to make her happy every single day...always failing but never stopping. I would get so stressed out trying to convince her that she was going to be ok. I would actually cry right in fron t of her.. I was breaking down with her.. and I would  tell her that she was hurting me..because I had lost her..she was no longer my friend but yet a zombie of pain and suffering. One day I told her I was busy...and I could hear the sadness in her voice so I invited her to come with me... She said no..and then later  that night she ran her car into a building..on purpose.  My heart was broken...